Out of Practice Fingers

Today I filled a custom order I had for two guestbook type books (one for Flora and one for Wolf's Apothecary). It is often very hard for me to do custom orders. Mostly because every piece is one of kind and I'm always worried that the customer is not going to like what I end up creating. It's a weird thing to have someone see something I make and then want something a tiny bit more specific to them, but still have total trust in my style.

I had a plan when I went down to my basement studio this morning when it was still dark outside at 9am. I knew the binding I wanted to use, I knew the shape and size and color of leather. I spent an or so hour folding down paper (one of my favorite parts of the process) and took out a big piece of un-dyed cowhide. I worked. I cut and folded and sewed for three or four hours and when the book was finished, it was nothing like what I had planned in my head. I had unconsciously changed everything. The amount of pages, the binding, the orientation, the hardware. When I looked at the clock after I put the book in a press (ha! by press I mean a stack of really heavy books), I had no idea so much time had passed. Because the process is so clear to me and each step follows it's predecessor so beautifully I never feel like it takes me as long as it sometimes does.

I went upstairs for some soup and a smoke. While my tomato soup was heating up I was planning out what the next book would look like. I had even laid out the leather I wanted to use before I left my studio. But once again, after a few hours passed I looked at a second finished book that looked nothing like what I had planned.

This may not be surprising to most artists, but my work needs to be planned. There is math involved. The functionality of every book I make is imperative. The aesthetics and style come second. So today, to go in with a plan and come with something completely different is just... surprising. I feel like I don't experience very much surprise as an artist but I'm pretty pleased with what magically happened today.

I have been wanting to "mix medias" lately. Adding fabric and other textiles in with the leather and I unknowingly experimented with that idea today. It was pretty great and I'm feeling inspired. And since these books are being purchased (I've got to stop giving these guys away) I will get a little money to restock on some much needed supplies. Th wheels are turning and there will be more to come!

Vacation

Plans for the vacation:

Wednesday - DO NOTHING!

Thursday - A friend plays wonderful music!

Friday - A friend does Shakespeare and we spend the day in San Francisco (includes going to a Japanese tool store in Berkley!!!).

Saturday - Scottish Games. A friend flies her beautiful birds of prey.

Sunday - Horse Races and a group of friends plays wonderful music!

Monday - Small town labor day festival!

Tuesday - Nana Tuesday (best friends family day)!

Wednesday - GO TO REDWOODS and camp!

There may be a post or two while I'm away but also, don't expect much. I'm enjoying my first time to relax (for more then a 2 days at a time) in NINE MONTHS. I'm enjoying it already.


Shhhhh... I'm vacationing. 

The End is in Sight

This is the last week of camp for the summer and good golly am I burnt out! Tomorrow is the last day and I couldn't be more ready. My vacation is scheduled. Ms. Sadie is going into hiding and I get to be just Sadie for 4 glorious weeks!

I should be going to sleep right now but I just wanted to post a little something about what has been going on this week. Basically I'm a bad teacher this week. I'm tired, cranky, and have very little patience. BUT, I decided to tell the kids a story today during rest time instead of re-reading another chapter from the book we have been reading all summer. When I was nannying for that awesome 3 year old she wanted to hear stories all the time so I made up this little forest community with Mr. & Mrs. Silver Fox at the center. Today I started out my story like this; "I want to tell you guys about some friends of mine." I went on to tell the kids about a swimming excursion that I made up as I went along and when I was finished, I had a lot of questions.

I didn't consider the age group I had, 4-10. Ten year olds start to question everything, and some of them stop believing in magic. There was my 10 year old girl asking if it was a true story. If they were animals how were they my friends? Did the Foxes really tell me to share their story? How do I know them? And so on. By the end of the interrogation this girl was confused but really wanted to believe that I am friends with these animals and they let me share and retell their adventures. I ended up crediting my special knowledge to magic and a special relationship that only comes from great listening skills. She seemed satisfied for the time being and I felt good about forcing some mystery on this girl (she likes solid answers). She is new to the school and has a lot of magic and mystery coming her way so why not start now?

Tomorrow is the last day and we get to break up the routine with an ice cream social and popsicles. Yay treats! I gotta get some sleep though to be able to handle the sugar high.

UPDATE on the boys from the Heartbreak post: There was a meeting and things are all worked out. Parents are calmed and no one is making us keep them apart. Boys will be boys I say.


Also, I love this.

Heartbreak

There are these two boys at camp. They are like soul brothers. They love each other so much it hurts. It hurts to see how much they love each other and how well they know each other. This makes it hard for them to be friends. They are both a little socially challenged (more so then other 2nd graders) and this makes it especially difficult for them to be easy going friends. For most of camp their play together has been highly monitored (increasing in the last week or so) and we have spent a great deal of time diffusing arguments and reminding them that even when we love our friends deeply, it can be important to take breaks and find new friends to play with.

This week, with the influence of their parents, their school-year teacher, and the kids themselves, we have come back to the decision that they simply cannot play together. This breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces. To see the way these boys react when the other arrives in the morning is one of the purest and most beautiful forms of affection I can ever remember encountering. It is truly something special.

Unfortunately, their arguing and communication skills are not developed enough for them to play together without there being an aggressive outburst (which can sometimes lead to violence). All I want for the two of them is to be happy and enjoy camp and really enjoy each other. None of the other campers, even their classmates understand these boys like they so clearly understand and sincerely know each other.

My hope for them is that with time apart, and the help of adults and peers around them, they can develop the necessary skills to form a deep and lasting brotherly bond. I know from experience that the true friends you make in elementary and middle school can last longer then you or anyone else expect.

Favorites

        As a student you are told that teachers don't have favorites. That they like and love all of their children equally. That's all well and good and could quite possibly be true, but in my experience, I have favorites. Maybe that makes me a bad teacher or maybe that's just one of the secrets they never tell you. 

 I have become a human jungle gym at camp this year. I have even had to make restrictions on which kids can climb on me (kindergarten only) and had to tell them sometimes that they are too rough or that I am not strong enough to hold them a certain way because in fact, I am not as strong as their father. This 5 year old boy is my favorite. I'm not usually one for the kindergarten age, but oh man. This kid is just great.

Today he was climbing on me after lunch and got a little too excited and I told him (and his climbing companion) that I simply could not support both of them at the same time and it was making my back a little sore. He apologized and proceeded to give me a back rub! His concern was so sweet and so kind that I just wanted to squeeze him! The two of them (4 year old grumpy girl) proceeded to climb then rub my back in between to make sure I was holding up okay. Too damn precious.

At the end of the day, around pick-up time the grumpy girl was climbing on me while I was standing. It ended up with me holding her ankles while she hung upside down behind me. I then pulled her straight up and bend down forward. She easily perches herself on my back sitting backwards, giggling and yelling at her Dad to look. While it may be hard and somewhat exhausting, I can be a human jungle gym for giggles like that any day.

Two weeks of camp left then Ms. Sadie is retired for four weeks and I can just be Sadie.

House Sitting

I used to love house sitting. That was before I had my own house. Where everything is mostly how I want it to be and it is all familiar and my routines are set and easy. I haven't been asked to house sit since I moved in. Until now.

I do love this house though. I feel like whenever I am here I have a little vacation where all I do is watch TV and take baths and read crazy science or magic books. It's so great. Sometimes friends will come over for a couple hours but then they leave and it's like I'm in a different city again. I take walks with the dog and go down to the grocery store for chocolate or juice. I also take the highway to get almost anywhere which I hardly ever do. It's close enough that I can just hop on and hop of at the exact right spot.

Totally awesome.

Not to mention this guy:

Computer Crash

I realize that I said I was going to post something from camp everyday and have not. I do apologize, but this time it was out of my control. My computer hard drive crashed. I lost everything. Things I'm still remembering I had saved, I lost. Things I have forgotten about are gone and I won't be able to rediscover them. I can't blame anyone but myself which may be the most frustrating part. I did not back anything up. I did not have copies of things saved in safer places. Completely devastating and completely my own fault.

It's a strange thing to remember the comfort I had in all those firefox bookmarks (I must have had more than 70 with all the recipes, projects, blogs and other miscellaneous sites), apple sticky notes, word docs, pdf's, and not to mention pictures. Three years worth of photos. Three years worth of memories totally erased. Granted not entirely from my memory but the only semi-physical proof of them. It feels so odd.

I thought I was going to just be weeping about it but surprisingly enough I haven't cried at all. Which is really weird because I cry all the time. Maybe I need this sort of freedom. To restart and rejuvenate.

I'm still not excited about it but maybe I can just handle it and try to let it be a thing that happened instead of the WORST THING EVER. I'm sad but I'm handling it.

It happens all the time right?

I'm GOOD At This

Another summer, another year of Portland Waldorf summer camp.

It is week 3. Half way done. This summer is seems to be passing me by way more quickly then I expected it too. I'm having a hard time keeping up but I kinda hope it continues to go so speedily.

I'm going to try and post stories from camp every day. Well, Monday-Thursday, camp days.

Thursday, July 19th, 2012

We are all eating lunch in the courtyard between the High School and the Lower School. Most of us like to have a picnic on the ground but some of the children and one teacher will usually sit at the tables. The half day kids have been picked up and gone and I'm left to get the 2nd and 3rd grade boys ready for rest time. The hardest part of the day for me and for some of them. We are about to start cleaning up to head inside when this boy comes up to me completely doubled over in stomach pain. He had a big emotional upset earlier in the day and I think this was probably some left over feelings.

Anyway, I have him sit down next to me leaning up against a tree and start to ask him questions about the pain. Where does it hurt, what kind of hurt, when did it start, is it better when you stand or sit, how does it feel if you squeeze it? I'm an expect in stomach pain myself and have all kinds of descriptive words for these such situations. We talk about it for a few minutes and then I have him lean up against me with one arm tight around his shoulders and the other gently rubbing his arm that is in my lap.

We sit like this silently for a few minutes while taking deep breaths and drinking water. He suddenly looks up at me and says,
"Ms. Sadie, you have some kind of powerful magic."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because you always make all the children feel better. When they are sick or angry or sad or anything. You don't even need any medicine."
"Well thank you. I do my best. Do you want to lean on me while we walk inside?"
"Yes please."

When the kids say things like this to me, it's all I can do not melt into a big puddle. I work really hard at my teaching jobs (well all of my jobs but that's not the point). I take it as a prestigious honor and the biggest responsibility a person can have; besides raising their own children. And for some of them, it's more important and better then their home life. It certainly was for me.

This whole week I have gotten a wholehearted compliment from a child everyday. Which is kind of crazy for me to accept because I have been exhausted and distracted everyday. Far from the top of my game. But if they seem to appreciate me when I'm not at my best, it makes me excited for what I can do for them when I am.

Also, I have a idea for a children's book. First notes/draft starts tomorrow!

p.s. My flowers are blooming!!

Life Lessons

"You can't put someone where they don't belong just because you are lonely."

This was said by a friend of friend who should probably write a book. It's great. It's true. It resonates on many different levels.

It is something to think about. And I have been. And will continue to.

I hardcore reconnected with an old friend tonight and it was SOOOO great. Today was a damn good day.

Real words and thoughts and pictures to come soon.

Crap

What a mostly crappy day.

It's a bunch of nonsense but what happened today is that I didn't get to see my dad graduate from college. For the first time. EVER. He didn't graduate high school, and he certainly didn't go to college. Until 8 years ago.

Yes, that does say 8 years. My dad has been putting himself through college slowly but surely. While working 40+ hours a week driving a cab in this great city, he also took 2 classes per term (including most summers), supported (emotionally and financially) both my sister and myself, dealt with 2 teenage girls growing up and moving away and coming back, and moving again. He is truly an amazing man and deserves this BA more then most people I know.

While I didn't get to watch him walk across a stage, having to share his astronomical achievement with 6,000 other graduates, I do get to be his daughter. I got to be a part of his transformation, his struggle and his huge success.

What more could a girl ask for?

Summer Time

Today was a lovely laid back day.

I need a haircut.

More of this:

Less of this.

GOODNIGHT.

SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER

While school may be out for summer, that does not mean I won't be teaching. 5 weeks of summer camp begins in 11 days. But I love summer camp!

I'm not really sure what is going to happen during the next 3 months but I'm gonna be a grown-up and take care of business. Literally. I'm going to get my business running again. Hanging out with Waldorf kids and makin' cool stuff. It's gonna happen.

YOU JUST WAIT.

One More Day

Once again all the things are getting to me. I am currently lying on the floor of my housemates room talking about all the things.

I feel like I can't clear my head long enough (or at all) to make a decision that I am comfortable with. About anything. Everything is jumbled and overlapping and the less important things are taking up to much space and the important things are floating around in giant broken puzzle pieces. I try to tell myself to "take it one day at a time" as they say. But that is not practical. You can't schedule things one day at a time. So for me, it's one week at a time. I can deal with that.

I still am having to schedule my life 3-6 months in advance, for work and school and giving myself a vacation, but the day to day, what I need to get done and where I need to be when, that is one week at a time.

Tomorrow is the last day of school at the Shining Star Waldorf School and I have never been more ready for break. I can't wait to close my eyes, exhale, and put that puzzle away for a least a couple weeks before preparations for fall begin.

Epiphany Week?

I have had lots of great ideas this week already.

An awesome idea exploded from me today when I was helping a friend set up a new bed frame that does not have a headboard and an unusually large amount of space between the mattress and the wall.

USE THESE!!

Ok, so I just did a google image search and someone already thought of the old wood pallet headboard thing. Damn. At least I thought of it for myself. That counts for something.... right? RIGHT?!

Epiphany Day

I had a dream manifest itself to me today.

While I was at work (Shining Star Waldorf School), I started thinking about how I could get more hours, be more involved, make this work job work better for me. This lead me to thinking about how I would run my own Waldorf school. I got really excited. I started planning, because that's what I do when I get excited. I imagined a whole life for myself I had never thought to create before. I filled positions with friends and people I know, my mind designed a beautiful indoor and outdoor space all within a matter of seconds.

It's amazing what a mindless task like making tea or tidying up a space can do. I actualized this dream talking to my roommate and a friend, kind of solidifying the notion that I think I really do want to start my own school someday.
Insane? Yes.
Can I accomplish this? HELL YES.

I want my life to be surrounded, devoted, and consumed by Waldorf education and Anthroposophy.

Every day. All day. 

Monday Funday

On Monday I had an incredibly crafty day.
The bestie and I worked some more on the banners and got them all almost finished. 7 out of 12 at least. They look so super awesome I don't even know what to do.

Then later in the evening a fellow crafty friend came over and we dyed easter eggs a day late. It was great. We dyed some, We sparkled some, we did things the internet told us to do, and we made stuff up. It was really great.

A great way to start the week.
Here are the pictures with no more words.

Never Not Broken

 There is this thing that happens when you feel like the universe is literally OUT TO GET YOU.

It's like you have been trying so hard and doing all the right things and following all the "rules" but still, somehow, you just can't seem to have the right thing happen at the right time. You are busting your ass putting in all the work and enduring all the suffering but those damn pieces are still in a profound disconnect. You are left with these big decisions and a desperation calls you. Fighting that calling of what you can only describe as SURVIVAL, is like trying to play catch with a ball of fire. It burns uncontrollably when you catch it and as soon as you throw it back you are worried about what happens when it lands.

They say your 20's are the hardest part of your life and once you get through that, well then it's all white picket fences, ball games, and DIY canning. I think that's bullshit.

Life is hard. Always and forever.
But isn't that the thrill?

Absent

I was totally going to sit down a write a long post today. I had a day off. But I accidentally ended up cleaning house instead...

I was bored and it needed to be done and I didn't really want to do anything else anyway.

I have been sick and just coming home and pretty much passing out. That's why I haven't been updating. I will again soon. I have been writing this serious post/short story in my head for a few days now and I need to get it out. It's taking up too much space. So that is coming.

In the mean time, there's this: Kitakyushu, Japan.

Teacher Clothes

Today I got the best compliment.

I met the partner of one of the teacher's I work with at the Shining Star Waldorf school and she said, after shaking my hand, that I look like a Waldorf teacher. I was wearing a long brown wool skirt and a scarf wrapped around my neck with bits of blonde and brown hair trying to escape. Something that I really strive for in any of my jobs is appropriate clothing. It can be so satisfying to look like you belong in your environment. It gives me a certain confidence and authority when I feel like my outfit matches my atmosphere.

The job at this new school was a bit rocky for me at first. In the sense that it is so different from every Waldorf school experience I've had so far, I wasn't sure how to handle it. I find I am excelling and exceeding expectations of others when I am really just doing the job as I see it before me. This position is really great for me because it's part time and permanent for what seems like as long as I would like it to be. That kind of stability is key for me and I hope I can continue to enjoy it.

Also, I watched the new Footloose with my roommates tonight. I wasn't disappointed but I think that's because I had outstandingly low expectations. All in all, not a waste of time. I could turn off my brain for an hour or so and I think that, is underrated.

I Think It's Happening

I think might actually be here now. It was warm today. It was sunny-ish.
I can't really believe it.
Two awesome things happened this weekend and they both happened last night.

 The last of the triangles had the first step finished and these super cute lace ones are almost finished more. Stupid cute. I am so excited. We actually completed one full banner but i don't have a picture because I'm lazy. Anyway, so great. 

AND THEN. I had a brilliant idea. Need I say more?

Cold

MY ROOM IS SO COLD.

I don't understand. I got the window insulation kit installed and put a curtain up behind the door but the cold air from that closet window is ridiculous. It's still snowing so it is also super cold outside and all that winter wonderland just seeeeeeeeps into my room. I feel like a naked mole rat in Alaska. Space heater and heated mattress pad are on but I still have to wait. I have one of those oil space heaters and it takes its sweet time to warm up a space. I'm a cold person anyway so it really gets to me. This is why I am so heavily depending on spring. That and I got the gas bill today and it's too much. WAY too much.

It's time for sun and warmer weather. I'm ready.

GROSS

5 Comfy Hours

Nothing productive happens while I have my slippers on. I don't make any phone calls, I don't return emails, I don't update my calendar, I don't fill out applications or pay bills and I definitely do not make decisions that actually matter. I put them on at 7pm this evening.

Since my slippers were on tonight I complained and groaned and whined for a little while, ate some leftovers and chocolate covered almonds with sea salt. Actually I did a bunch of sewing and knitting so I guess technically that was productive. Crafts don't really count though because I can basically knit in my sleep and I didn't make anything where I had to make any new choices. 

I finished up the last step of the 77 triangles and started on the next pile, the solid colors. With help of course. We did a bunch of math and figured out some spacing and exactly how many banners we could make with the amount of flags we have and at what length the final project could be. We can make something around 15 banners with all the triangles we cut and that is if each banner is 12 feet long. Hot damn, we certainly were not expecting that! So stoked.

So anyway, I am getting exponentially excited for the video and am more ready then I can ever remember, for it to start warming up. It was the first day of spring the other day and it snowed. And it snowed again tonight. I'm fine with the rain I just wish it would get a tad warmer so I wouldn't have to wear 6 layers every time I leave the house. I am somehow mustering up the faith that it will happen. The 4 year old I nanny for demanded it to happen and yelled for spring to come several times today so if I were spring I would hurry up cuz she can get cranky.

Sunshine & Irony

I feel like the amount my life is shortened by everything bad for me I do anyway, doesn't affect my overall life expectancy because of how incredibly happy I have been in the last 24 hours, it surpassed the deficit.

 For the past 2 days my best friend from college has been staying with me in my new home. Her band is with her and I love them all. I am so elated and I can't get enough words out of mouth fast enough. I have a fear of losing some of the ones that are constantly circling in my head trying to fight for themselves to be spoken. I have cried tears of sheer joy and love not only multiple times today, but since they arrived.

This is a utopia and a contentedness I feel I have never experienced before. I was telling her last night as we sat on my porch smoking cigarettes telling each other how much we love each other, that there is a level to our friendship that was not only unexpected but is like no other relationship I have. She has been using this word to describe families of friends and I love it. She calls me part of her tribe. We don't live in the same place, yet when we are together it's like we have been living on the same land for years. We know each other so deeply, there is no re-acquaintance that needs to happen. It's just a catch up. Our truest desires of who we are and who we want to be have not changed and we can still feel that from each other.

The band is talented and haunting and touching. I am so proud of them and her and am excited to have these wonderful people in my tribe for the rest of my life. 

 This girl. 

Taken by Alwynn

 Taken by Alwynn

 The three of us are what kept me living a life I didn't want. 

I am so happy I can now have both.

 Passion

 Patience

 

Euphoria.

77 Triangles

Tonight I sewed 77 triangles.
Alwynn ironed and pinned.
5 hours, so much cuteness and weirdness.
It's late and I'm tired again.
The banner making saga continues...

Sewing

 Before the ironing

 SO CUTE

 End of the line ironing

 Scraps!

 And this happened.

 77 triangles partially sewn and ironed.

In other news...

...I also made curtains...

(First 6 photos taken by Alwynn)

House

It is 2 am and I'm tired.

I got out the house tonight and went to a lovely show. And then hung out with some of my favorite people. Then I came home to my fantastic house and hung stuff up.
It is really coming together and makes me feel great.

We did this.

Goodnight.

A Trip to Jo-Ann Fabric

WE ARE GOING TO COVER THE WORLD IN CLOTH BANNERS!
A few of my friends and I are making a music video for another friend. Lots of planning has been going on the past few days, Google Doc sharing and editing, lists, and tonight is was fabric cutting. We are making triangle banners out of cloth that we found in the remnants bin. Grace (who I mentioned in an earlier post and is totally amazing) cut all the fabric and we paired them and got a stack all pinned and ready to be sewn. I'm tired and don't have much more to say about it for the moment so here are a few pictures.
There will be updates on this project in the coming days and weeks.

 Before the cutting

 Triangles ALL cut!

Scraps!

I Really Thought it was SPRING

I woke up this morning to a cold snowy winter day. In the middle of March. WHAT? Saying I was displeased is an understatement. I am seriously ready for spring this year. Usually it kind of sneaks up on me without realizing it at all. But this year I seem to be longing and waiting.
Actually the more I think about the more I realize it has to do with my massive lifestyle change since I went to India and got sick last year. I need to have fresh, living food in my diet and in winter, produce is so expensive whether it is local or not so I honestly end up not eating it at all. Which by now, I am missing immensely. I bought some very dark, almost black kale, some spinach, and a hand full of green beans which I have been using sparingly that last couple days. I am hardcore craving green. Also, peaches.

Anyway, after the couple of inches of snow this morning it became very windy and slushy and then quickly changed to warm and sunny. All I have to say about that is that is is very hard to dress for a day like today.

I do keep seeing hope that spring is actually on it's way though. There are early daffodils opening up, the rhododendrons are budding and several cherry blossom trees are bursting into pink. I took a couple of branches from my Dads house today to remind me that although Spring is taking it's sweet time to show up, it RSVP'd attending.

My kitchen window sill