Computer Crash

I realize that I said I was going to post something from camp everyday and have not. I do apologize, but this time it was out of my control. My computer hard drive crashed. I lost everything. Things I'm still remembering I had saved, I lost. Things I have forgotten about are gone and I won't be able to rediscover them. I can't blame anyone but myself which may be the most frustrating part. I did not back anything up. I did not have copies of things saved in safer places. Completely devastating and completely my own fault.

It's a strange thing to remember the comfort I had in all those firefox bookmarks (I must have had more than 70 with all the recipes, projects, blogs and other miscellaneous sites), apple sticky notes, word docs, pdf's, and not to mention pictures. Three years worth of photos. Three years worth of memories totally erased. Granted not entirely from my memory but the only semi-physical proof of them. It feels so odd.

I thought I was going to just be weeping about it but surprisingly enough I haven't cried at all. Which is really weird because I cry all the time. Maybe I need this sort of freedom. To restart and rejuvenate.

I'm still not excited about it but maybe I can just handle it and try to let it be a thing that happened instead of the WORST THING EVER. I'm sad but I'm handling it.

It happens all the time right?

I'm GOOD At This

Another summer, another year of Portland Waldorf summer camp.

It is week 3. Half way done. This summer is seems to be passing me by way more quickly then I expected it too. I'm having a hard time keeping up but I kinda hope it continues to go so speedily.

I'm going to try and post stories from camp every day. Well, Monday-Thursday, camp days.

Thursday, July 19th, 2012

We are all eating lunch in the courtyard between the High School and the Lower School. Most of us like to have a picnic on the ground but some of the children and one teacher will usually sit at the tables. The half day kids have been picked up and gone and I'm left to get the 2nd and 3rd grade boys ready for rest time. The hardest part of the day for me and for some of them. We are about to start cleaning up to head inside when this boy comes up to me completely doubled over in stomach pain. He had a big emotional upset earlier in the day and I think this was probably some left over feelings.

Anyway, I have him sit down next to me leaning up against a tree and start to ask him questions about the pain. Where does it hurt, what kind of hurt, when did it start, is it better when you stand or sit, how does it feel if you squeeze it? I'm an expect in stomach pain myself and have all kinds of descriptive words for these such situations. We talk about it for a few minutes and then I have him lean up against me with one arm tight around his shoulders and the other gently rubbing his arm that is in my lap.

We sit like this silently for a few minutes while taking deep breaths and drinking water. He suddenly looks up at me and says,
"Ms. Sadie, you have some kind of powerful magic."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because you always make all the children feel better. When they are sick or angry or sad or anything. You don't even need any medicine."
"Well thank you. I do my best. Do you want to lean on me while we walk inside?"
"Yes please."

When the kids say things like this to me, it's all I can do not melt into a big puddle. I work really hard at my teaching jobs (well all of my jobs but that's not the point). I take it as a prestigious honor and the biggest responsibility a person can have; besides raising their own children. And for some of them, it's more important and better then their home life. It certainly was for me.

This whole week I have gotten a wholehearted compliment from a child everyday. Which is kind of crazy for me to accept because I have been exhausted and distracted everyday. Far from the top of my game. But if they seem to appreciate me when I'm not at my best, it makes me excited for what I can do for them when I am.

Also, I have a idea for a children's book. First notes/draft starts tomorrow!

p.s. My flowers are blooming!!

Life Lessons

"You can't put someone where they don't belong just because you are lonely."

This was said by a friend of friend who should probably write a book. It's great. It's true. It resonates on many different levels.

It is something to think about. And I have been. And will continue to.

I hardcore reconnected with an old friend tonight and it was SOOOO great. Today was a damn good day.

Real words and thoughts and pictures to come soon.

Crap

What a mostly crappy day.

It's a bunch of nonsense but what happened today is that I didn't get to see my dad graduate from college. For the first time. EVER. He didn't graduate high school, and he certainly didn't go to college. Until 8 years ago.

Yes, that does say 8 years. My dad has been putting himself through college slowly but surely. While working 40+ hours a week driving a cab in this great city, he also took 2 classes per term (including most summers), supported (emotionally and financially) both my sister and myself, dealt with 2 teenage girls growing up and moving away and coming back, and moving again. He is truly an amazing man and deserves this BA more then most people I know.

While I didn't get to watch him walk across a stage, having to share his astronomical achievement with 6,000 other graduates, I do get to be his daughter. I got to be a part of his transformation, his struggle and his huge success.

What more could a girl ask for?

Summer Time

Today was a lovely laid back day.

I need a haircut.

More of this:

Less of this.

GOODNIGHT.

SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER

While school may be out for summer, that does not mean I won't be teaching. 5 weeks of summer camp begins in 11 days. But I love summer camp!

I'm not really sure what is going to happen during the next 3 months but I'm gonna be a grown-up and take care of business. Literally. I'm going to get my business running again. Hanging out with Waldorf kids and makin' cool stuff. It's gonna happen.

YOU JUST WAIT.

One More Day

Once again all the things are getting to me. I am currently lying on the floor of my housemates room talking about all the things.

I feel like I can't clear my head long enough (or at all) to make a decision that I am comfortable with. About anything. Everything is jumbled and overlapping and the less important things are taking up to much space and the important things are floating around in giant broken puzzle pieces. I try to tell myself to "take it one day at a time" as they say. But that is not practical. You can't schedule things one day at a time. So for me, it's one week at a time. I can deal with that.

I still am having to schedule my life 3-6 months in advance, for work and school and giving myself a vacation, but the day to day, what I need to get done and where I need to be when, that is one week at a time.

Tomorrow is the last day of school at the Shining Star Waldorf School and I have never been more ready for break. I can't wait to close my eyes, exhale, and put that puzzle away for a least a couple weeks before preparations for fall begin.