Discombobluated Clarification

Dear Portland,
I really wanted to post last night as usual but the internet at my house has been acting up. Maybe there will be two posts today? We'll see.

On Tuesday I talked to Melanie and she could tell that I was really not interested in the needle felting class, at all. We dumped that idea quickly. I wrote my class descriptions for beginning knitting for kids and got the classes posted! Melanie, the shop owner, asked me to write a little "about me" something for the newsletter that goes out on Monday. I did that today. While I was at the shop, one of Melanie's tenants, Allissa, was at the store and I talked with her about organic food and  and other things. I asked her is she knew about a laundromat that is NOT connected to a casino, and she offered to let me do my laundry at her house! That will happen tonight. She is really sweet and cool AND SHE KNITS! It seems to be hard to find people my age who knit here.

Also yesterday I went to coffee shop with my slightly incognito downstairs neighbor, Dillon. Remember those cookies I made for them, yeah well he bought me coffee as a thank you. Very nice, very cool guy. Basically my first real conversation (more than 10 minutes) with someone my age. He also has a friend who knits who I hope he will hook me up with. That all was really nice.

I went to the Public Assistance Office today to turn some things in so my May food stamps will be allocated. Then I went to All Pro Rental to pay my rent and deliver some big news.

I gave notice. But I gave a two month notice ensuring that they will have a tenant in July. Plans are ever changing. So far, this experience has taught me things I didn't expect I needed to learn. I will be going back to Portland after my session of classes is finished. Now before you throw your two million arms up in disbelief Portland, obviously nothing is set in stone for me. If I make crazy money teaching at Camas Creek Yarn I will probably figure something to stay for the rest of the summer. But like I said, everything changes, almost daily.

I could go off and try to explain what has happened to me here and what is still in progress, but really, I would rather tell you in person next time I see you. That is, if you are interested. For now my simple answer is, Kalispell has been exactly what I needed.

I miss you Portland and I have serious plans for you and I when I return. We will still have to have a serious talk though. I want to know how you have changed and you must try to understand how I have changed.
I know there is a way we can coexist.

System Overload

Dear Portland,
I have many things going on in my head at the moment. I have been putting off writing to you for the past 5 hours partly because I'm watching LA Ink, and partly because I can't seem to get my brain to organize everything that I have been thinking up.

But as it turns out, I can be a "big picture" girl. I just needed a little push. Well more like a shove into the middle of oncoming traffic. But you know, I'm stubborn. I worked it all out. I am very tired now and I owe you one big explaination. I promise, It's on the way.
Just sit tight.

It Was Kind Of A Big Deal

Dear Portland,
I have come to find that coming up with the "big picture" is not exactly my jam. I get overwhelmed, stressed and generally panicky.  Not good. I like details. I like thinking of a potential problem that no one else thought of and coming up with a radical solution. It's what I'm best at. I came up with a big picture today and am damn proud of it. The details will come in time but for now, this was my responsibility and after a fit of kicking and screaming and pounding my fists on the kitchen floor, I did it. All by myself.
What is my big picture you may ask? Well in a as little words as necessary:

Six weeks of beginner knitting for three different age groups, twice a week.

I have to present my case tomorrow and I plan to lay it out just like one of those hot shot suits (well not exactly, I hope to be much more personable and far less androgynous, and minus the ugly suit). But I am confident in this big picture and confident that the details will work themselves out. It will be a lot of work and a lot of time spent but I'm stoked. I have high hopes of it being well received.

How about some unrelated news Portland?
There are A LOT of long boarders here. The weird thing is, I never actually see anyone skating. They just seem to carry them around and talk about long board stuff with their buddies on street corners. It's very strange. I know they must skate somewhere because they talk about how "the ride" is. But I don't know anything about "the ride" so maybe they are just making it all up.
Fooled me I guess. Carry on.

Sunday Finally Came And I Am Unimpressed

Dear Portland,

Today I saw the moon out in the day time. It was in a part of the sky that I have never seen it in. This picture is from one of my all time favorite sites.

I listen to several Podcasts, a majority of them being kind of science-y. I like science. But not in the way of being stuck in a lab and reading textbooks that are constantly becoming insignificant with each new publication. I like listening about science. Listening while I do other things; like cleaning the kitchen, writing postcards, or just sitting quietly looking at photos of outer space.

I have been thinking a lot here in Montana. Had some minor epiphanies. Some about me personally and some completely not related to anything, except maybe science.

I'm going to the yarn shop tomorrow to hopefully hammer out the details of the wet felting workshop I will be teaching.

What Do You Mean It's STILL Not Sunday?

Dear Portland,
I did almost nothing today. Yes I know I was going to go to the Farmers Market, but somehow I turned off my alarm (I don't remember this happening at all) and went back to sleep until 1pm. I know I was supposed to go out and explore the local vendors but I guess I just needed to sleep. It would have been painful anyway because I can't buy anything.

I was feeling" out of sight out mind" today and stuck in some weird depression. So I got on Skype with my sister and she taught me about Ayurveda and my Dosha. That was really cool and gave me some things to be more conscious about in my body and mind. I learned that my mind is much more stable then I thought and once I get my body in balance everything will start to feel better and make more sense. While she was teaching me I was making books. I made four today. It was really nice. I felt productive.
The books I made are from salvaged vinyl album covers that my Dad had. A couple years ago I picked through the ones I might be able to use for something, not knowing what for.
The Beatles Sergent Pepper's Album was the theme. Obviously.

*I don't have a favorite, this is simply the way they lay out on my workspace.

What Do You Mean It's Not Sunday?

Dear Portland,
Today I stayed in bed. ALL DAY. I felt fine, a little homesick, but generally just tired and wanting to stay in bed. I watched some movies (Food Inc. & Driving Miss Daisy), didn't really eat much (because of Food Inc.), called the gas company to check on my heating bill, and was generally all around lazy. I figured I deserved it. This past week I did a lot. Applied to all 8 places I want to work, got my shower working, paid my parking ticket, knit 2 hats and one legwarmer, and listened to a bunch of podcasts. And while I know that that is a fraction of what you and your 2 million significant others do in a day Portland, I am content. I am beginning to be content here. I'm slowing down, Im looking around, really looking, and listening.
With all this 70 degree weather I have been craving the forest. I'm really wanting to get a feel for the land here. I don't know what it looks like or smells like. I don't know what plants are where, not that it's a world of difference, but I know where to look for everything in the Oregon/Washington forests. I think maybe this weekend I will ask around/do some research and find a close place to go for a hike. And take Mary's dog with me. That would be wonderful.

It was a quiet day in my life and in my mind so there is not much report. Tomorrow I'm going to the Farmer's Market. Big day.

It Was That Day Of The Week

Dear Portland,

When I woke up today I felt like there was something I had to do, like I had an appointment or something I had to "get ready" for. Then I realized it was Thursday. Thursdays are the days I went to Waldrof every week to substitute for aftercare.  I hadn't really thought about my kids in much length until now. I miss them. I miss the atmosphere. I miss the authority and control. But I think what I miss more was the act of going to the school, seeing all the teachers, talking to them, and talking to the kids and their parents. I love talking to the parents (that care) about what new discovery their kid made today, or how an older sibling is starting to understand their growing responsibility. It's a captivating phenomena to watch a child become a person, to learn about the world, themselves, interactions, and social conduct.

That's what I was thinking about today Portland. And I have a feeling that you were thinking about it too. Your relationship with those kids is through me and I know they remembered it was Thursday today.

They Always Ask Why Here?

Dear Portland,
Whenever I tell someone where I come from they all ask, without fail, "Why Kalispell?" And as you know, I don't have an answer that is really acceptable to most people. Depending on how I'm feeling and what kind of person, I stumble through some explanation about needing a break from you and wanting to be by myself or that I came for the scenery. I'm not just gonna say, "Hi I'm Sadie. I moved away from Portland because of a dream I kept having." That would get me into a conversation I don't necessarily want to have with someone I just met. But I know it, and you know it, and I think that's good enough for the both of us.

I made snicker doodles today. The best I have ever made. Seriously. I didn't measure anything, I changed some stuff up and they are amazing! I'm glad that I still have the skill in an awkward unfamiliar kitchen.
I took some down to my neighbors.
Dillon is at work.
Mary was home though! She invited me in and showed me her apartment, said I could take her dog anywhere anytime. Sweetest little black lab ever. She said she bakes a lot too and we can trade! She asked me my story and we chatted some. Apparently we live in the ghetto. I kind of figured that out but really, it's not bad. Just a few crazies every once in awhile.

I left Dillon's cookies bye his front door and this is how I wrapped them up. Clearly I have too much time on my hands.
As you know Portland, I bake. A lot. It is kind of my way to make nice with new people. And old people. I don't mean old people, I mean already established friends. I like it. And while I'm not amazing and fancy, I still enjoy it. It's therapeutic for me. Something I can concentrate on for a couple hours and have a reward. Mary said the hall smelled amazing when she got home today.
Everything about baking is happy. Plain and simple.

I really missed you today. I went to the better of the two natural foods stores. It was so tiny and in suburbia (yes it does exist here too) and just really awkward in general. Shoppers have to constantly scoot around each other, and don't even try shopping with one of the four carts that are available. It would cause serious gridlock. I can't wait to go to Trader Joe's and New Seasons when I see you next. I will dance in the aisle. At least I will at Trader Joe's.

Tomorrow is a big day of applying and dropping off resume's. Mary said both the bakeries are hiring now and thinks it would be awesome if I worked at Colter Coffee.

But I'm tired and I need to fill out a couple applications before I can retire to my bedroom. (I'm currently sitting on the kitchen floor as it is the coolest room in my apartment and it is 9 o'clock and 70 degrees outside).

I'm feeling good Portland. I hope you are too.

75 Degrees & Loving It

Dear Portland,
Oh what a day! I heard it was grey and rainy in your neck of the woods, while here it was 75 degrees with not a cloud to be seen. The air is dry and a nice breeze kept me moving along.

I went into Camas Creek Yarn today to talk with the owner, Melanie. She is awesome. And while we had had an extensive (broken up) conversation, I will just report the basics.
I told her I just moved to the area from Portland, she was stoked. Unlike Wendy. I told her I'm looking for work, and she lit up and started talking a mile a minute. Unlike Wendy. We talked about the upcoming tourist season and the Canadians and her daughter that is getting married in July. Melanie wants to take the month of July off which is when she would need me for retail. She then looked at my resume, said it was fantastic and asked me if I wanted to teach. Unlike Wendy. UHHH YES OF COURSE I WANT TO TEACH! I eventually want to be a Waldorf handwork teacher. She knows about the still slightly phantom Waldorf School in Kalispell, and was ecstatic. Unlike Wendy. Immediately we started talking about summer workshops, classes, and camps for kids of all ages. We settled on one to start with.
Are you ready for this Portland?
I will be teaching a 2-day workshop for kids (not sure of age range yet) on wet felting! We will be making felted pouches in time for Mother's Day! She also told me she wants to FEATURE me in her next newsletter to talk about other classes I will be giving and generating interest. Yeah I know, super amazing. I stayed at the shop for an hour or so more and we talked and planned and we are very excited.
I was so happy I didn't care about my $10 parking violation. Well...I cared a little.

THEN, when I got home and checked my mail, my food stamps card came! I can get food and start baking again. Thank God. Too bad I don't really have anyone to bake for...

Now for something completely off topic. I was just out on my front porch talking on the phone when this orange cat from across the street came bounding over and rubbed all over me and my porch and my walkway. Then, another cat spotted us, crossed the street, and attempted to come say hello. The orange cat was not a fan of this, he hissed and chased the second cat away. A third cat watched the whole scene from down the street and decided to keep his distance. Good call. Also on my walk home from the coffee shop a little grey cat followed me for about 2 blocks. This is all weird to me as I have never really been a cat person. I like them fine but they just seem to self-centered for me. But I just did some reading on cats and what I took away from it is that they are guardians of the home, protectors and providers, they symbolize independence, balance, and mystery. Sounds about right if you ask me.

In conclusion Portland, I had an awesome day and am really getting a feel for what this place has to offer me. Also, I didn't need to completely reject you the way I did, and for that I apologize wholeheartedly. I was harsh and still am at times. I will work on that. I am beginning to understand more and more why we need to spend some time apart. I know you don't really understand, and I know you miss me, but when I can explain it to you competently, I assure you, I will. I hope that you find comfort in one of your 2 million other relationships.

Wendy Has A Mullet

Dear Portland,
Some job related things happened today. And one event not related to anything.
In order of occurrence.

At 10:18 this morning I got a call from Jo-Ann Fabrics & Crafts to come in at 12:00 for an interview. Very awesome. I got there 25 minutes early, intending to be early by only 10 (it astounds me how close everything is even with "traffic"). The girl at the cash register used her headset to locate "Wendy." Wendy came out from somewhere, I didn't see where. She looked me up and down and said, "Are you Sadie?" I said, "Yes. Hi." Before I could put out my hand to shake hers, she had turned and said, "Come on back then." Uhhhh, ok. Weird, no handshake then. Maybe later? So she walks into this ugly little office, she doesn't tell me where to sit (I guessed correctly), hardly even looks up from my application to listen to my answers. All I can do is think, this is Wendy, she decides my fate and she has a mullet. She asked me why I came to Kalispell and where I came from. I tell her. She asks me why I chose Kalispell specifically. I tell her. She then looks at me as if I have a worm growing out of my eyebrow but suddenly decides to be "polite" and not interrupt me. Everything else I say after this question is completely disregarded. I could have been talking about horseshit and she would not have heard a single word. It felt like it took forever but really the whole ordeal lasted about 15 minutes. Weird how the passing of time is so situation specific...
Anyway, leaving in a bit of a discombobulated manner, I get in my truck and drive back into town. I am thinking about this whole strange encounter an am getting angrier by the minute. Not once did she shake my hand, thank me for my time or application, hold a door open for me, or even SMILE! I can't remember a time when I have felt more judged in the lowliest of ways. I am shocked at the pure lack of professionalism. This place is a chain; they have a NATIONAL reputation to keep up. Where does Wendy with a mullet get off judging me up and down without listening to a single thing I had to say?
So, this made miss you desperately Portland. I have been on countless interviews in every neighborhood, and always, I was greeted and bid farewell with a smile and a handshake. Even when we both knew I wasn't going to get the job, formalities were kept up and it was always a pleasant learning experience.

My dear friend Ben sent me a quote today that seems appropriate:
"When you're going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill

In other news, Camas Creek Yarns asked me to come back tomorrow when the owner will for sure be in. I hope more then any other job, this one works out.

In other other news, I went to my coffee shop and asked about a job there. The barista happily took my resume and talked about the job a little bit. That's good news. Still no one I have asked knows anything about the Waldorf School that is supposedly here.

And as promised, the news that is not related to anything at all.
On my way home from other errands (Home Depot), I was on 5th Ave, a fairly busy street, a few block from my house, when I saw an older couple driving down the street on an ATV. Yeah, for real. Just cruising along with the rest of traffic. Whoa.

No Need To Bring It Up

Dear Portland,
Today my sister gave me a fitting quote:

"Do not go where the path may lead, go where there is no path and leave a trail."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

It seems that you think I left you to go on a big city adventure full of excitement and constant stimulation. This is not so. What I really am after is the small town, solitude adventure. The peace and quiet; and at the risk of sounding cliche, the self-discovery that happens when you have nothing to do but be with yourself. I think that you, being in a steady relationship with 2 million people and all, are in a constant struggle to find your true self. But to me, you have been thoroughly consistent. You may be growing, and like I said, you do change with every season, but the habits and the thought patterns that I fall in line with every time I am with you, stay very much the same.
Maybe I don't want you to change at all, maybe I just want to change who I am, and especially who I am when when we are together. And that's fine. Obviously it needs to happen, it wasn't working for me. And obviously it is the right thing to do for myself.
I don't know what is going to happen here and I don't know how long this adventure will last, but I do know that you will be ready for me when I come back. No matter what has changed. But it's not time yet. I am just getting used to the silence. I am just getting used to the work of starting over again. I am just getting used to thinking about me.

And Portland, just so you know, I am aware of how cliche this all sounds. No need to bring it up in the future.

Is That Really What You Think Of Me?

Dear Portland,
When I was on the road, driving away from you at uncalculated speeds (my speedometer is a little wonky), I encountered a douche bag semi truck driver on I-84 E. I thought I would share it with you as told to my friend Landon.

So I'm driving along in my cute little truck singing really loud to the music I am blasting (thanks to Andy & Victor). I change lanes to pass this truck, but for some reason I can't speed up enough to pass him. I then come to realize he is speeding up to match me, and is also trying to get my attention. I ignore his efforts and continue to accelerate up to about 100mph, or somewhere around there. Not so good for my truck on a hot day mind you. Once I am pretty far ahead of him, I resume a more acceptable speed. Then I noticed he has quickly caught up to me and is tailgating me persistently. I switch lanes. He then proceeds to drive even with me for about 5 miles (5 long minutes) all the while trying to get my attention. I continue to semi-successfully ignore him. Again he speeds ahead of me, honks his horn, and finally, I look up, "maybe my tailgate fell off or something..." But no. I see that he is waiving around a piece of paper with his phone number on it! I think to myself, "You have got to be kidding me. Does he actually think I will call him up and tell him to meet me at the rest stop for a goddamn quickie? WTF?"

Oh, and by the way, on the cargo part of his semi, it says LUBRICANTS.

AHA! There is a rest stop coming up. I turn on my blinker. As does he. I let him catch up and stay close behind me. We get to the exit lane and I keep a steady speed. As does he. He starts to slow down to exit and at my last chance I speed up and hop out of the exit lane while he can do nothing but proceed to the rest stop. I then realize, damn, I need gas. I book it to the next gas station where i fuel up, take out my computer, upload some photos, look at a map, charge my iPod, and triumphantly continue on my way.

So dearest Portland, that is really the only thing of consequence that happened on my escape from you. We can each take some much needed time to heal and mature. Which makes me think that my decision to put our active relationship on hold was the right one. If nothing bad happened, and nothing serious pulled me back, this is right. My departure was right. And maybe now, my future can also be right.

I Don't Blame You

Dear Portland,
I may have been cruel in my goodbye. I want you to know that I do love you and everything you have given me; all the new things you create with every new season. While your streets may be filled with potholes and the steel jungle that overlooks the land can be distracting and discerning, I love you and always will. While your alleys and abandoned storefronts may be filled with those without fortune and those without homes, I know you make some effort to help everyone even if they don't help themselves.  We tried to make it all work out. It's hard, I understand. Trying to maintain a relationship with 2 million people can be difficult, unfortunately in your trying to keep the general taxpaying public happy, you have effectively broken some sort of bond with me personally. Now I'm not saying we should turn our backs on each other forever, but I definitely think we should see other people. It's not you, it really is me. Maybe when we both have a handle on our identities we can pick up where we left off.
I would love to come and visit, catch up, swap stories, maybe remind you of how you used to treat me, and you can show me what you have done to change. But for now, I can no longer put up with the neglect. I've gotten out and now it's time for you to repair the shattered reputation you have given me and reclaim your true self. I know this may seem abrupt, but just remember; this is see you later, not goodbye.